This feeling is punctual

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about friendship lately, and as my week draws to an end, the concurrence of several conversations regarding this topic, friendship, bring it swimmingly to my attention. I have perhaps been thinking about this topic a bit less as of late, seeking to concentrate on other types of relationships, mostly the ones I’ve been forced into out of necessity (business, working, or related environments).

Just today, I was doing some self-diagnosing. I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed as of late, and I wasn’t sure where that emotion stemmed from. And so far, I’ve come up with the explanation that I’ve been going out in large groups too frequently, and not giving or getting any true one-on-one friend attention. My public persona was getting tired and fed up of not getting any rest and my private persona was scratching at the divide. I have two, at least two, personae that is, one which displays its head when I’m in crowds, trying my best to impress and grab attention and incite humorous reactions. The other is the one I share with my real friends, or the ones I think could be/are real friends, people I would be happy to be around by themselves, by ourselves. I think most people show this distinction, a public and private self. The age old comment, he’s so different when he’s around me, there’s some truth in that. Something about the crowd, the mentality, the alpha-omega complexities dictated by society, these things bring out the pack animal in all of us. We all naturally place ourselves inside the group, shrinking in or filling out to accommodate the space of the whole. During this manipulation, we cannot fully hold onto our true character. We bend or spread ourselves; it is natural, but at the same time, uncomfortable in many ways.

Location: Beijing, China